The Power in Being Non-Defensive

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“Value is built or destroyed depending on how we deal with difference.”–Mickey Connolly, Conversant

The other day I received an email that got my defenses up. The statement in the message sounded cleverly biting and I felt stung for a while after reading it. I was at a cross-road. A strong urge to retort surfaced but was held in check. I thought for a moment…I have been given an opportunity; an opportunity to practice being powerfully non-defensive.

Whether written or verbal, this situation comes up more frequently than we would like to admit. Sometimes it’s our misinterpretation of the tone of a correspondence or interaction, or perhaps the assumptions and values we apply to a word someone uses. Occasionally, it truly is a thinly disguised play for the upper hand. The question is—how can we practice being non-defensive despite the intention of others?

I have learned recently, that clarification as a practice can go a long way in dispelling unnecessary upset, misconnects, and further negativity. Clarification does two things: one, it allows for inaccuracy on my part, and two, it gives the other person an opportunity to gracefully correct or adjust. In most interactions we only see our superficial meaning and rarely the emotions and beliefs applied by others below the surface. Admittedly, the bulk of the issues behind the presenting problem, remain hidden.

A quick way to practice being non-defensive is to ask the clarifying question. From a posture of curiosity, you are asking for help in understanding the deeper meaning of a particular word or phrase. This goes a long way to assist you in understanding where another person is coming from. For example: “What do you mean by -then add the word or phrase they used.” This will invoke reciprocity and hopefully reveal more information if you invite them into a genuine dialogue from a neutral position. By opening up space to exchange more information you retain your own power and achieve higher ground.