They Never Listen …

(Source: Difficult Conversations. Stone, D., Patton, B., Heen, S., (Harvard Negotiation Project). 1999.)


Whenever I think that I’m not being heard I remember a very funny line from a silly movie (Dumb and Dumber). Oddly enough, after this reflection I begin to take a little more accountability for my half of the conversation. The line goes something like this: “… she dumped me because she said I never paid attention to her, I’m not sure, I wasn’t really listening …” Self-awareness was not this character’s forte, or maybe it was and he didn’t want to know or didn’t care.

Hopefully, some self-awareness is illustrated in the following story. As many of you might relate, I am now in a position of giving back to my parents by taking on the role of caregiver. In this new role, I constantly worry about their health and I often find myself explaining why it’s important for my diabetic father to avoid certain foods. Invariably these conversations end badly. While I’m busy trying to convince my father to eat better, I’m missing the reason(s) he isn’t doing what is in his best interest. After one particularly difficult conversation, I learned that he had given up because of his frustration in monitoring his blood sugar levels. Apparently, he didn’t understand how to operate his new device and was embarrassed to ask for help. He wasn’t listening to me because I didn’t understand how he felt.

Although this was a humbling lesson, it now seems obvious – when we don’t feel heard or understood we’re probably in “persuasion mode” and it’s difficult to persuade someone toward your point of view or convey your message if the other person isn’t feeling acknowledged or understood. It would be more effective to move into “learning mode” and resist the temptation to TELL.

The obvious benefit of being in learning mode is that we learn about the other person and what motivates them. A not-so-obvious benefit is that in a learning mode we can read situations better, since we often misread clues and then go deeper down the rabbit hole by repeating ourselves, talking louder, saying the same thing differently, or looking for external sources to validate our position. These strategies may seem worthwhile, but wouldn’t it make more sense to learn why the person isn’t listening to you and develop your strategy from that position? Here are some tips you can try with that stubborn person who never listens to your valuable insights. (Note: Sarcasm used here to make a humorous point, and not usually effective used in difficult conversations.)

 Listen, really listen – especially for feelings like frustration, pride, or fear
 Acknowledge feelings – beyond paraphrasing the words … restate the feelings behind the words
 Ask questions for understanding – internally shift from “I understand” to “Help me understand”
 Be genuinely curious – no amount of skill will help if you are not authentic

Listening will be powerful and effective if your intentions are good. Awkward wording and clumsiness won’t hinder you, if are listening because you are curious and you care.

Are you genuinely curious? Do you care? Although the answers may be situational, as a general rule, if you answered yes …They Will Listen.

Best Regards, Olga Corral

Source: Difficult Conversations. Stone, D., Patton, B., Heen, S., (Harvard Negotiation Project). 1999.